Is Facebook One of the Deadly Killers of Marriage?

Is Facebook one of the deadly killers of marriage? Some of you may be like hold on a minute what are you getting at with this? What I am trying to get at is Facebook is one of the biggest social media platforms we have. I remember in the days of Myspace? Anyone else remember that? Well better social media took off and Facebook has become huge. Congrats Zuckerburg on your great idea. But was the idea of connecting with old friends and family a bad idea? Not at all. Facebook has the ability for us to connect with old friends and family members that we don't see often. We can talk with them through messenger or comment on their posts. See their status updates on trips or rants they have. But let’s not focus to much on the family parts of the Facebook platform.

     Is connecting to people inherently bad? No. But what happens when your spouse becomes Facebook friends with an old flame in high school or someone in their college days. This person is married and has children and you and your spouse are married and have children so no harm right. Well hopefully. But how can we keep a safeguard in our marriage because when we add old boyfriends and girlfriends we had a connection that is much different than hey that was my buddy in college. I mean this person kissed your spouse and had an intimate relationship of sorts and there were feelings there in the past. Those same feelings can still come up. The thing that gets in the way is not setting limits before we have issues. I mean the person you married you made a commitment to in your marriage. Isn't your partner the most important person in your life? Isn't the love you have special? If you answered yes to those then why not have a safeguard in your marriage? Wouldn't it be better to let your marriage be safeguarded and have several walls up so that the marriage isn't harmed? Talk about the limits in your marriage. 

     So, what limits could you set in your marriage so that you can have a good marital relationship without the harm of outside influence. Maybe some rules are not having someone of the opposite sex with you alone in your car or home or even going to lunch. Not talking about our marital problems with other people but with our spouse. Talking to your best friend isn't going to fix your problem that your husband leaves the toilet seat up and soon your friend will say why don't you tell him to put the darn thing down? Facebook, we can only friend family and friends. No past boyfriends and girlfriends. Allow your spouse access to your Facebook and messenger so that they see what you are doing. My friends I have on my Facebook my wife is aware of and yes, I have friends on their that are girls. Sometimes I leave a comment on a post but nothing more.  I am not sending a message to them about my marriage or its problems. If I have issues I talk with my wife. Some people choose to have a joint Facebook account which can totally be a safeguard in marriage.

     Are there some signs we can watch for to not just make sure we are being overprotective or the crazy spouse? Some things to look at is are they spending a lot of time on Facebook or laughing at their phone and hiding it from you. Do they hide their screen or tell you not to worry? If they are doing a few of these things they may just be shopping for a gift for you but will they let you look at their Facebook and see what is going on? if they are being too guarded it may be time to consider talking some boundaries because who knows what is going on. The truth is people do cheat and it isn't that they were terrible people. They just let someone in the marriage and built a relationship that wasn't appropriate and this has made this spouse the terrible individual we call a cheater. We should be cautious as we use social media and internet because what we consider to be good can be bad too. 

If you have any thoughts on the matter feel free to leave comments.

Helping Others

     How can we help others? One of the great questions you may have is helping other people. How can we accomplish this? Our friends may come to us and want our help and the great thing is you can actually help them by simply listening. How? We listen to them and hear what they say. When we listen to them after we are done we can reflect back how they are feeling. An example is say a friend says they are mad at a roommate because they never clean up after themselves and we then say that is frustrating. We help them by seeing how they feel. We can reflect back content of the story and we can even help by asking questions when necessary.

     This helping is in no way a replacement to therapy or having a counselor but in many situations, we can help them by simply listening to them. Listening and having empathy for those we are helping can be difficult but It can be had easier with good friends. There may be times we simply can't and shouldn't help. One experience that comes to mind is marital conflicts friends may be going through. Your friend really needs to go to their spouse and discuss the conflict they are having. We don't want to be biased in our advice to them and also, we don't need to see their spouse as negative or terrible because they are going through a rough time. Marriage can be tough and all couples disagree in some way or another but if you see that they are going on about it then suggest they talk with their spouse and if that doesn't work then suggest they go see an expert or a therapist to help them. These experts have skills and licensing that we as a helper may not have at the moment.

     Even if we don't have every skill to help them the best help we can give is listening to them and empathizing with them. This may come easy or may be hard for you. Regardless know that you can help your friends. Try not to give too much advice but in the role of a friend you may give suggestions. See if listening and helping them see the story help them come to conclusions. You may be surprised with what you find.

Hopefully while helping your friends you can be great active listeners. That is sometimes all we need is a friend to listen.

Being a Provider

     In "The Family: Proclamation to The World" we see that husbands are to provide. What does it mean to provide? This is something I have thought about recently.
     Being young and married now a little over a year my wife and I are at a spot where this current semester she is busy with school and doesn't have the time to work like she has in the past. This semester I am working two jobs to make sure that we can pay bills and such.
     Why do I tell this to you? I tell you this because when we here the word provide I think sometimes we get caught up in that a husband just goes to work and makes the money to buy things his family needs or maybe even wants. While this may fall under a husbands responsibility in a sense going off the proclamation that doesn't mean he only provides in that way. That is what I have been think of recently. So how else does a husband provide for his family?
      He can provide in being there for his children during a time when they have a big homework assignment, He can help them understand certain values of importance such as hard work and honesty. While a mother may do some of these things as well a provider is someone who provides. Providing is preparing in a sense for his children to be successful husbands and wives as well as good people. A father is there in the important times for his children. He is also there for his wife. He helps and supports her and provides for her happiness as well as for being his wife's best friend.
     I may not be a father but at least I have the ability to provide financially for my wife and myself. It is a great responsibility and while I have provided for her in other ways this is a way that I can provide for her so that she can focus on her last few semesters.
     That is a part of family is changing and making it so that you can be there for them. In today's world whoever we see as the provider seems to also in some families be a workaholic and not seeing his family. While that man may be providing financially he also is missing an opportunity to provide for the well being and development of his children. We all have things we have to do and sometimes we do have to work more just to make it so we can provide for our families. Those people that do have to work to make ends meet do set an example for their families. Not every family can have the ideal providing situation to be home a lot for family but when we make it a priority to be with family I know that things will work out.

A bit of advice for Blended Families

This last week we talked about blended families. This is can be a really hard strain on the family. When husband and wife divorce the family system is bound to change. If their are children involved their may be outside sources such as grandparents, aunt, uncles and other family members. 

     It isn't always an easy thing either for the spouse with the children which in most cases is the mother. This can change how she dates and other thing in her life. We had an experience that was shared in class about a man who had married a woman who had been divorced and the impact that his had on his life. There were times it was hard for him and there were many new things that needed to be learned. 

     When we as the outside source come in we are changing this family system especially if we are marrying say the wife who has been divorce from her husband. Now this new man comes in but he is going to play some roles that have been reassigned. This will take away the close relatives from the system and will have readjustment.

Why is some of this information important I have just mentioned? It is important because if you are in this situation or going to be in the situation of being this person who enters the family system you will want to tread with some caution. Don't be so quick to parent the children that you get in so fast that you create distance from the children which can create distance from your wife. When you are in a comfortable situation leave some of the heavy discipline to her. This isn't because you are not capable but that it will help the relationship with the children. Remember you are entering in and need to respect the relationships that are their and you will be creating the relationship with the children and need to tread with some caution.

     These were just a few things we talked about the last week that I thought were important. Hopefully this helps you if you are going into this situation or found someone you love that is in this situation of divorce.

Parenting

     This week I am talking about a sensitive topic. Parenting. A lot of people do it and a lot of people think they know how best to do it. At least I think that is what people think. But today I am going to talk about three different parenting styles and how only one style is the best method for parenting. Now some of you reading will say you aren't a dad and you have never parented. I will give you that. But I have received parenting in at least two of the different styles. I noticed a difference and also happens to go well with the research out there. The three parenting styles are authoritarian, permissive, and authoritative. Which of these is the best? What are these styles? Today I hope to answer these two questions

Authoritarian- This style is very dictator like. It is very firm parenting and many parents have done this parenting for years. A lot of children turned out fine. But just as Elder Oaks said there is a good, better and best to things. He didn't say anything about this parenting but I would say for people before this is good but not best. Example I will give is that your child is late coming home. How would you react? Pause and think about it for a second as I explain what the authoritarian parent will do. He or she will yell or be very angry that the child is out past their curfew. they may say things like you are never leaving this house, or you can never see these friends and will not listen to what the child says because well they are the parent and they are right. Now if this is you don't feel I hate you or your parenting style but there is a better way. The next parenting style I talk about will probably make you feel like a better parent anyway. But the last one I hope helps you become better.

Permissive. This one you may care about what your child does but you aren't really wanting to step up to the plate and cause contention maybe or want your child to learn it on their own.
The example I use will be similar. You are in bed in hear your child come in 30 minutes after their curfew. You go to sleep and the next day you talk to your spouse about how you heard your child was late coming in last night. You both are concerned why he is coming in late but don't want to push the issue or think maybe just something happened and just hope things are okay. So if this is you don't think I feel you don't love your children I know you do. There just needs to be a better way. Authoritarian parents you probably think these parents are push overs and need some of your technique or at least feel better that you are doing a little more.

We come now to the last method and best way to parent a child. If you don't like this method then I am shocked you made it this far but alas I will tell you it is
Authoritative- This parenting is more of a democracy method. Let me share an example. So back to the first example. Your child comes home past curfew. You hear the car pull in and meet him over to the garage. You tell your child that it is late and past their curfew and that in the morning you will discuss with them about it in the morning. Morning happens and as parents you sit down with your child. You may ask  him why he is late and he says I just didn't realize the time. You then explain that you all had discussed a curfew and had agreed that on weekends that midnight was an acceptable curfew. You may even explain that the reason is for their safety as well as for you to know where they are at. You understand they may have not looked at the time but because they haven't come back when was established that they are not able to use the car the next couple of weekends.
So this may sound easy and some of you may say well we tried that or that sounds to simple. I'm sure you may get some back talk but you did discuss with your child a curfew and that arguing is not getting them the car back. There are consequences to the actions. This method helps teach children one of life's great lessons for every choice there is a consequence whether it is good or bad.
     I hope this helps and you don't think I hate you if you are not parenting the last way. I feel the last way is the best method. Before you knock it how about you try it. It may not go smooth but it will go better.

Fathers and Fatherhood

     This is another important thing we talked about in class and even had a paper that we had to do some research for. Fatherhood is it important? Does the contribution matter if the mother is the nurture?
I hope to cover these two questions today and open a little more understanding. Fatherhood is it important. While some of society may tell you it isn't important the research available tells us otherwise. I was able to find a link to a small booklet called "The costs and benefitsof active fatherhood. London: Fathers Direct," I would invite you to take a look at it.
   In there it talked about how a fathers influence helped children with motivation toward education, father's income predicted how long a son was in school, closeness to a father at 16 was a predicator for marital satisfaction later in their life, and father's influence caused a delay in daughters having first sex.
     Just those few things should make you want to have your father around or as a wife to have your husband home. Mothers do play an important role as well but today I have chosen to focus on the fathers. So to answer the question is fatherhood important? yes it is if some of those benefits sounded good. No if you don't care about your child's marriage later or them having sex at a younger age.
    The contribution to children from the father has many benefits. Just as The Family: A Proclamation to the World says that children are entitled to a mother and a father. It isn't often that the Church of Jesus Christ we talk about entitlement being a good thing or something we should have. But this is one of them that we do have telling us children are indeed entitled to a mother and father.
     I believe in a God who is wiser and smarter than I am. This for me means God does know how important a father is to the family. Sure we have women who work and can earn money for the family and in today's society does just as much or can do just as much as a man. But he knows it is important to have a family and that the father is important.
     So if you still don't feel I met some of the reason a father is important check out the website that I linked for your reading pleasure and do some of your own research. Don't just take my word on this. I hope this helps you understand a little more the importance of the other half of the parents and just how important they can be to the family.

Communication Is Key

     Communication? Why so important? Why do I say key? I feel that communication is the one way we are able to express ourselves as individuals to another person. In marriage I feel that communication is vital to a healthy and happy relationship. But it starts before marriage of course. Communication isn't just talking. It involves body language, tone of voice and of course the talking between individuals.
     There are many ways communication can help us in our lives. In my own marriage this happens at times. I'm not perfect and even I misread signs or body language my wife shows. Most times though if I look at her I can tell when she isn't happy or doesn't agree with something I may have just said. I can even ask her "is everything ok?" to which she may respond "everything is fine" I know at certain times it is true and others I have to dig deeper to find the problem.
     This can be important in relationships because if I understand my wife's communication ques that she gives off I am able to better understand what I can do to improve. Also it gets the real problem out in the open so things can be corrected or better understood between us. If I just simply ignored her and was fine with the answer that everything is fine I may find a problem out later that could have been solved. Now don't get the wrong idea I love my wife and we are happily married and in most circumstances things really are fine.
This bring me to the other thing I said about it being the key. I feel it is a key in a marriage because like I mentioned earlier it can help us solve any marital disagreements we may come across. Healthy communication can even help us problem solve. Some communication is unhelpful such as yelling or name calling or anything that causes us to be rude to our spouse even if we think they deserve it. I have had this as a philosophy that communication is key. It was one of the things I looked for in a woman. Can I communicate with her? or Can we problem solve well in a disagreement? These two took sometime to figure out. It wasn't until we were engaged and had many small disagreements about things that I knew we could work things out. Most of the issues we face in our lives gets solved fairly quickly. This is because we both take the time to communicate and be open so that we understand each other better.
I invite everyone to try healthy communication. Work out the arguments in a friendly way and talk about them. Try and understand the other person. I know it will be more effective than the yelling.